


A Clean Break

by Midnightprincess



Category: Little Mix (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, I'm Sorry, Lawyers, Meeting, Modest!, On the Road Again Tour, Panic Attacks, Sad Ending, Sad Zayn, Take Me Home Tour, Texting, Vomiting, Where We Are Tour, best song ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 23:10:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3627789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnightprincess/pseuds/Midnightprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>March 25, 2015. A day that will live in infamy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Clean Break

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this as a way to sort of vent and understand my feelings about Zayn leaving. This is my understanding of the situation. I could be wrong.

            Zayn flushed the toilet and moved to clean out his mouth and put water on his face. He needed to pull himself together. He was meeting with his lawyers and Modest! today. Today was the day that he would decide whether or not he would stay with One Direction. He had been so sure he wanted to leave yesterday when he spoke with his lawyers and they said that he could. But today he woke up throwing up. His stomach had always been an issue, but recently it seemed to have been getting worse. So bad that he missed Orlando. He really wanted to go but he was just too sick.

            Splashing cold water on his face he thought about when this all started. When being in One Direction stop being fun and started being a job. He admitted to himself a long time ago that he didn’t want to be in a boy band. He wasn’t supposed to win X-Factor. Just get through boot camp and the judge’s house to be voted off in the first round of the live shows. That was all he needed, just the validation that he had talent before he went back to his normal life. But instead he was put in a band with five other boys. All of them young, inexperienced, and just wanting to sing. The other boys took the fame easily. They loved performing and acting silly in front of the camera. He was a bit shyer though. He preferred to stay in the back and let the other boys talk, letting his voice be the only thing people heard. It got him the persona of being mysterious. He really wasn’t, he was an open book. When he wanted to be. But being the mysterious one helped with him staying at least a step back from the crowd.

            Zayn was brought from his thoughts by his phone going off. It was his driver saying he would be there in fifteen. Sighing Zayn pulled himself out of the bathroom and down the hall to his room. He pulled out some jeans and a button down. His lawyers told him to look somewhat together. Getting dressed helped clear his head a bit. He was in his room pulling out things he wanted to wear, not in a lounge with only racks of clothes to cover him. While he got to choose what he wore each night it was from a selection of clothes that were already chosen for him. Once he was dressed he checked himself in the mirror. At this point Lou would appear to put makeup on him and do his hair. While he would miss Lou he wouldn’t miss being fussed over.

            After deciding he was presentable Zayn made his way to the kitchen. He thought about eating something but just the thought of food made his stomach turn. He didn’t have these problems until he started with One Direction. That brought him back to the original question. When did it stop being fun? Thinking about it now he figured it was after the Take Me Home tour. While both tours had been grueling it was nice to see the fans and travel to places he had never been before. Also being able to buy his mum a house and his family other things was really nice. No being in One Direction wasn’t all bad. It was after Modest! told them that they were going on tour again right after doing the world tour that Zayn began to feel the cramps in his stomach.

            Zayn’s phone alerted him that his driver had arrived. “Pez I’m going!” he yelled on instinct. Then he remembered that Perrie wasn’t there. She left a few days ago to stay with a friend. Well if it wasn’t for One Direction he wouldn’t have met his fiancé. And if it wasn’t for One Direction’s fame he wouldn’t be losing her. Zayn made his way out of the house and to the car. No he would get her back. After he left the band he would have time to work on their relationship. Maybe now they can set a date for the wedding since they only have to work around her schedule, which was much better than his.

            Getting into the car Zayn wondered when it became too much. He didn’t have to wonder too long. It was obvious. It was when they were scheduled to do one world tour after another. Be remembered throwing up for hours when Modest! told them. It got to the point that Paul suggested he see a doctor. He said no and instead drunk himself stupid with Louis. All of the boys were on their last legs when that happened. They were tired and stressed over having to constantly perform and produce. He still didn’t know how the boys got through it. Technically, he had gotten through it. Till those pictures went out. That was the last straw. He was the quiet one, the mysterious one, the one prone to disappear for months. Everyone accepted that. He accepted that. They left him alone. As long as he stayed to himself he could continue to pretend that this is what he wanted and that he was happy. But those pictures and the rumors that followed were too much.

            He hadn’t gone out in months. Staying in and hide from the cameras. He didn’t even go to Harry’s birthday party because he didn’t want to face the cameras. Sure Harry forbid pictures and social media at his party but there was still plenty articles about it afterward. He missed Jay’s wedding for the same reason. He didn’t want to photographed. To be analyzed. To be talked about. Finally he got up the courage to go out. They were in Thailand; no one cared about them there. While going out he met a girl. Just some random girl who was fun to hang out with and danced well. So they took a few pictures, not something tons of other guys his age wouldn't do. But he forgot, he wasn’t normal, and those pictures got out. And everyone called him a cheater and Perrie cried and he just couldn’t. He couldn’t do it any longer.

            Getting out of the car Zayn entered headquarters. For what seemed to be the last time. Riding the elevator up he tried to relax. His lawyers would take care of everything. That’s what they said. After panic attack number three since returning home he called his lawyer about getting a longer vacation. The conversation ended with them discussing him leaving. Did he want to leave? Did he want to give up the money, the fame, the fans? The sleepless nights, the tight schedules, the traveling, the media? Couldn’t he just perform with his friends how he wanted and when he wanted and no one say anything? Was that too much to ask? The elevator opened to the lobby where his team of lawyers were waiting. Peter, Paul, and Perry. He called them the 3P’s behind their backs.

            “Good morning Zayn how are you feeling?” Peter asked as the boy entered the lobby. No he wasn’t a boy anymore was he? He was a man. Zayn shrugged accepting the bottle of water one of the secretaries bought him.

            “Don’t worry about a thing,” Paul tried to reassure. “We are working for the best interest. They will see that.”

            “Yeah, you will not leave here a member of One Direction,” Perry added.

            Zayn could only nod at them. They started to discuss their strategy for this meeting, but Zayn wasn’t listening. What if he wanted to stay? Now that he thought about it he would miss all the places they’ve traveled. Even if he couldn’t really see them without being mobbed. He would miss performing for all the fans. Did they really deserve this? Him leaving in the middle of a tour with no warning. They would be so upset. They would hate him. Would they hurt themselves? He prayed they wouldn’t.

            “What if I want to stay?” Zayn asked suddenly stopped the conversation between the three lawyers. “Just for the rest of the tour.”

            “Zayn I thought you wanted out?” Paul asked looking confused.

            “I do I just….the fans have always been so good to us. Do they really deserve for me to just leave suddenly?”

            “Zayn have you ever heard of a clean break?” Perry asked placing his hand on his shoulder. “Drawing this out will only make it more painful for them, and you.”

            “Do you really believe if you stay they won’t try to do everything to get you to commit to next year? Another album? Another tour?” Peter asked.

            Zayn shrugged again. “The boys will respect my decision and Modest! won’t try anything now that I’m set to leave.”

            “Do you think you’ll be able to watch the boys record another album and not get involved?”

            Zayn thought about that for a moment. He did like singing and performing with the boys. He could see it. The boys and their team recording and writing, someone casually offering him a headset. And there he would go, on the fifth album, on the fifth tour. No going back. But would that be so bad? He never really talked to the boys about how he was feeling. Maybe they could band together to let Modest! give them a break. A break would be good. A break would help.

            “And what about Perrie?” Perry asked.

            Right. Perrie. That was still a problem that would only be made worse with him leaving. He wanted him and Perrie to work out. She would still be there after all the fans left and he no longer performed. One Direction was temporary but Perrie was forever. But Perrie would be furious if she found out he left One Direction for her. But he wasn’t doing it for her. He was doing it for him. He needed to think about himself for a moment and this is what he wanted. He wanted to be normal and to do so he had to leave.

            “Are you ready?” Peter asked.

            Zayn could only nod and followed his team in. He was shocked to see Simon there. But yes, him leaving directly affected him. Maybe they would Skype the boys in. No that would be too cruel. The meeting began but Zayn wasn’t really listening. He was too busy staring at his hands. Did he really want to do this? Did he really want to leave? He was so tired of everything but did he want to give it up for good. Maybe he should have argued for a break not a break in contract. Looking at his hand he noticed his bird tattoo. He smiled slightly remembering how long Lou spent covering it up and his other tattoos so that he could play Veronica in Best Song Ever. That was such a fun video. All the attention and promoting for the movie was too much though. He stayed home with a stomach ache then going to the after party.

            Unbuttoning his sleeve he looked at his “Zap” tattoo. He remembered that part in the movie where him and the boys became superheroes when they performed. That was fun too. But that was all pre Midnight Memories/Where We Are. Before everything went to hell. Before this became a job.

            “Zayn?” Peter asked.

            Zayn looked over to his lawyer confused. “Yes?”

            “Simon asked you a question.” Zayn looked over to Simon. The man was giving him a warm smile. Something rare. It was like Simon could read his mind.

            “I asked if you were sure,” Simon said slowly. “We can work in a long break for you. Maybe even a break for you and all the boys after the tour is over.” Zayn just stared at him. The boy looked terrified. Just like he did when he first signed the contract that added him to One Direction. Simon had a feeling Zayn wasn’t as excited to continue his career as the others were. But he signed and did what was asked of him. It was obvious the boy had had enough. “At least stay for the rest of the tour.”

            Zayn thought about it. It was March. The tour ended in October. Saying that he started in April that would be 7 more months of tour. Of not being able to do what he wanted. Of always being tried and jet lagged. Of being securitized and analyzed. Of not being happy. Did he want to be with the boys? Yes. Did he not want to let the fans down? Yes. But he also wanted to be happy and he wouldn’t be if he stayed on tour.

            “I can’t,” Zayn said quietly. “I’ll be miserable.”

            Simon smiled. “Okay. That’s fine. Thank you for the past five years.”

            “Thank you for the opportunity.”

            “Let me know if you change your mind.”

            Zayn smiled at that. He could come back. If he left and decided that he missed everything and wanted to go back, he could. This wasn’t over. Maybe. The meeting continued and Zayn went back to zoning everyone out. He felt a bit better about his decision and his stomach was starting to loosen up. Maybe he would get a burger after this meeting.

            “So then Zayn will make the announcement,” someone said. That had Zayn snapping to attention.

            “How would you like to do it?” Paul asked.

            “I think a video will work. We can record it here,” someone answered. Zayn still hadn’t looked up. “Something short explaining that he will be leaving and asking for respect and understanding.”

            “No,” Zayn said. He could feel his pulse speeding up and his chest tightening. He couldn’t. He couldn’t make the announcement. He couldn’t sit in front of a camera and tell the fans he was leaving. They would hate him. They would take him apart. He was disappointing them enough he couldn’t take the comments, the backlash. No, not after all this.

            “Zayn! Zayn!”

            Someone was calling his name. But he couldn’t hear it over the roar in his ears. They were going to hate him. They were going to be mean to him. The fans will turn. He’ll ruin the band, he’ll ruin everything. He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t.

            “Zayn?” Perrie said.

            “Pez?” Zayn asked coming back. He noticed that he was on the floor in the meeting room. Simon was holding his phone out to him where Perrie’s voice was coming through.

            “Zayn breath for me.”

            Zayn could only nod. Taking in big gulps of air. Simon told her what he was doing. When he could speak Simon handed him the phone.

            “Pez?”

            “Zayn are you alright?”

            “Um…I am now. What? What happened?”

            “I don’t know. Simon just called me and said you were having a panic attack. He hoped that me talking to you would pull you out of it.”

            “Oh…right. Perrie, I can’t.”

            “Can’t what love?”

            “I can’t do this anymore.” Zayn swallowed hard to keep back his tears. He already decided that he would tell the boys when he left here. He would cry then. They deserved his tears, not the executives of Modest!

            “Us?”

            “No. No. The band. The fame. Everything. I can’t. I’m done.”

            Perrie was silent for a long time. So long that Zayn thought the call dropped. Just before he was about to check she spoke up again. “Okay.”

            “Okay?”

            “Yes darling. I had a feeling this was coming. I may have contributed to it.”

            “No you didn’t. You didn’t do a thing.”

            “Okay love. I’ll be home tonight okay.”

            “Okay.”

            “I love you.”

            “I love you too.”

            Zayn hung up the phone and handed it to Simon, refusing the hands to help him up. After everyone was seated the meeting started again.

            “Okay well we see that Zayn will not be making the announcement,” Will said. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll take care of everything.”

            “Thank you,” Zayn said quietly. He was suddenly tired.

            “We will work out damages and such on another day. Right now we have to draft a press release. I think facebook and twitter would be the best place to put it. Fans check that by the minute.”

            The only thing Zayn heard was that the meeting was over. He shook everyone’s hand and accepted their wishes of good luck and declined when they asked if he needed anything. Knowing the car was waiting for him he left before everyone else. Wanting to get back home. Once in the car he texted Louis.

            _Are you guys up?_

_Yeah why?_

_I need to talk to you guys. I’ll be home in 30._

_Okay we’ll be ready._

            Putting his phone away Zayn looked at the grey London sky out the window. This was it. He was done. He was no longer a member of One Direction. Modest! will drop the news tonight and the entire fan base will mourn. But he wouldn’t have to hear it. He won’t be yelled at for distressing fans. No one will wake him tomorrow rushing him to pack and get to the venue. He won’t be mobbed as he tries to shop or see a monument. He won’t be woken up to record an album in some random hotel room or be forced to go on another extended tour. He was done. It was over. Just like that he was no longer a member of One Direction. Just like that it was settled. A clean break.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for any tears or heart break I may have caused. Please everyone stay safe and don't do anything drastic. We must accept Zayn's decision and be there for him. And hey, maybe he'll change his mind and this will all be a bad dream. Thank you for reading.


End file.
